The Funniest Marriage Tweets To Get You Through This Week

Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Husband: you should get out of the house more Me: *goes to Target*Husband: not like that
Wife math ~ “it was like 10 bucks” = it was at least $100.
There comes a point in marriage when The Home Depot becomes a strong contender in where you go for date night.
My Mother-in-Law and I have reached a sort of equilibrium, I no longer bother deep cleaning before she comes and she no longer pretends that my house keeping skills are acceptable
My husband is frantically trying to get ready for this wedding we were supposed to leave for 10 minutes ago and he just screamed “why is this house full of boobytraps!” because he keeps running into such things as doors and stairs.
My love language is my husband taking one or more of the kids with him when he runs errands
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb. HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
My husband can’t hear me from three feet away, but can hear a chip bag crinkle from the other side of the house.
Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.
Stages of leaving the house:Wife: getting child ready Husband: ready & waiting Wife: getting herself ready Husband: ready & waiting Wife: readyHusband: can’t find keys
My husband told me we need to buy less cheese, so now I’m clearing out all his stuff to make room for my new cheese fridge
I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
I like to assert my dominance by periodically using my husband’s favorite coffee mug.
We were mingling with people at a lawyer event tonight for my work and I turned just in time to hear my husband so earnestly say to a woman he just met “listen, you gave your daughter all the tools she needs to be successful and it’s up to her now to use them.”
Me: How much bacon do you want?Wife: I don’t want any bacon.Me: [changes Facebook relationship status to “It’s Complicated”]
Told my husband I’m sorry for the things I said when he only brought us two donuts to share, but in my defense how was I supposed to know they were $8? EACH.
Me: What’s Bumble?My wife: A dating app.Me: A gay one?My wife, with A Look: I don’t know, babe. I’m married.
If your wife is sad because you just dropped your kid off at college it may require something drastic to cheer her up. I just suggested we go look for a new fall wreath.
Me: Why is the Fire Department here?Wife [putting candles in my birthday cake]: It’s just a precaution.
[Celebrating our anniversary soon]Wife: How long have we been married?Me: Why are we celebrating an anniversary you don’t know basic information about?Wife: It’s easy for you to remember since you got nothing else going on up there.